Trying to find someone you'll never know
by 2Trick
Summary: "I had made myself part of it. But that wasn't enough, was it?" Plastic Beach Murdoc introspection.


a48º 52' 36" S, 123º 23' 36" W. Those are the exact coordinates for some place in the middle of nowhere. It's funny how it looked almost idyllic from far away. It's nothing more than the whole world's trash clustered, floating insignificantly, telling no more than what it is, and not even bothering to sink down, more than it already has. And it's still the same thing down there, it's the fucking same inside. Trash, no more than stinking rubbish.  
And here I am.

But in the end I like it. Maybe I've made myself part of it since I don't even remember when did I get here. Time enough to paint it all pink and build my own PlayBoy mansion.  
But that was not enough, was it?  
Time I waited, to realize she wouldn't come back from the death. Or maybe worse, back from hell. I lost my hopes, I forgot I even had them. Lost at sea, somwehere. Waiting. Was that me? Oh, sweet alcohol, it makes you forget anything you worry about. It even makes you forget you were so stupid to worry. And that's alright, until you realize all you've been doing the whole time has been waiting for her, to then wait to forget you ever did.

And I am, I really am a coward for not going back to find her. But probably I was too afraid of what I could find there. Afraid of not finding her ever again, just because of death or because the place might have killed her alive.  
And I'm drinking that other bottle of rum to forget I've admitted that later. 

So if she was dead, I'd make her again.

Have you ever thought of doing someone again? Not an easy work at all. I'd spend days and nights on creating her, trying to do it perfect, just as I remembered her, just in the kawaii fuck you style. Talking to a lifeless box. I ended up watching into empty eyes. Accompained by anyone, alone with someone.  
Not her.

So I wound up screaming and yelling, ordering and insulting. Finally crying and begging forgiveness to something created in image of someone I'd never have done any of that to.

And at some point of a morning that would never end, Cyborg appeared. There she stood: Silent, impassive, looking at nowhere, maybe at me. 

"What do you want...?" I ask trying not to look at her. Sometimes I would really regret having created her. Others would have gone the opposite way: me, looking at her, just trying to look at her as a her and not as an it. She would ask me what did I want. I just thought I could have heard her. I didn't.

"You called me." A robotic voice speaks. 

"I didn't."

"You did."

"Well, you heard wrong, now, get out."

"You did." This time words sound heavier and violent.

I turn my head just to look at her in the eye. Did I miss something? Her eyes are glowing yellow, what, what is that supposed to mean?

"Nood...?"

"You did it, Murdoc, it's all your fault, you know, you did it... Ha... Haha hahahaha...!" She breaks into laughter it sounds insane, terrifying, sad... And so lonely, and lost.  
Then a small, almost incomprehensible voice can be heard emiting from Cyborg's mouth, but this time is definitely not her.

"Murdoc! Is there anybody there?! It's me, Noodle... Is there anybody there! You need to reply..."

I just listen immobile, in fear, real fear, this shouldn't be happening...

"Hellooooo!? Come In... It's Noodle... I've found the missing... they're coming!" I start recalling memories buried deep, deep inside. Really didn't want them to be brought outside. Can't handle it anymore.

"Shut up, JUST SHUT UP!" Shoving it against the wall, still can hear her begging for help. Just hit it, "Stop, stop talking! STOP IT!" blow it, punch it... "Fucking stop now!" And it hurts as my fist destroys the synthetic skin, knuckles bleeding against steel.

"They know where you... Mur...Murdoc, MURDOC!"

Murdoc...  
I back up. What did I do... I fall on my knees. Was this really my fault? I'm sorry... Noodle, please...

"... please, forgive me, forgive me for what I've become..."

Frightening silence invades the place.

"I called you..." Eyes stop glowing, falls down and closes her eyes out of power.

"You did." 


End file.
